We have recently welcomed my cousin and his wife from Yarragon, Australia, and spent a blissful week-end with them. We were sad to see them go, we have learned much about 'down under' and it's people.
For a start, they are not all like the ghastly (but hilarious) caricatures created by Barry Humphries, nor do they all act like Barry Mackenzie or Kerry Packer. Not a bit of it. Our two Aussies are very intelligent, articulate, sensitive and self-effacing people, and they offered an interesting insight into the Australia of today, its wildlife, and its people. It is true that they have their embarrassments, and were quick to distance themselves from Rupert Murdoch, Kevin Rudd, and the entire cast of 'Home and Away'. I don't blame them. I reciprocated by denying any empathy whatever with Nick Clegg, Vince Cable, or Sir Tony Robinson - fortunately, they had not heard of David Dickinson.
I am a great fan and supporter of the wildlife of Great Britain, and - after hearing of the stuff they've got - will support it even more fervently. Bloody Hell! They owned a dog for six months, but it died, bitten by a Tiger Snake in their back yard. After spending aus $50,000 on fencing for the little farm they've bought, Wombats have dug a lot of it up - and Wombats, let me tell you, are as thick as a yard of lard. They dig a hole to get in - which seems reasonable - but do they exit through the same hole? Oh, no - Mr Thicky Wombat digs another hole by the side of it, and off he goes! The result is that Geoff's paddock now looks like a modern Antipodean version of Vimy Ridge, or The Somme.
The previous owners couldn't cope with the snakes. I don't blame them, neither could I. "They're more frightened of you, than you are of them" said cousin. Oh, really? They must be scared shitless then, because I'm bloody terrified just hearing about them. Here's a list of some of the little sweeties that await you if you visit this septic isle, it's not exhaustive, and further horrors await the unsuspecting (Kevin Rudd again), and a lot of the descriptions are courtesy of Geoff's lovely lady, who was kind enough to write them down for us:
Wombat: No respecter of fences, built like a tank, ruins your radiator if you hit it (it'll be fine).
Koala: Harmless, really, and sleeps a lot. There's not a lot of energy in the leaves it eats, but there is a narcotic, which means that your average Koala spends most of it's life completely stoned. Hey, man.........................
Emu: Think they're funny? Rod Hull spring to mind, huh? Forget it. They may have the flying characteristics of a lawn-mower, but the male - who incubates the eggs - can run at incredible speed, and is perfectly capable of kicking a human being to death.
Possum: Sweet and really, really cute - unless it's living in your ceiling or eating your roses.
Kangaroo: Graceful in flight, and makes really good low-fat meat. Mmm, mmmmmmmmmmm!
Duck-Billed Platypus: If ever an animal was designed by a committee that got it wrong, this is it! Shy and elusive, you're probably breathing a sigh of relief. Don't. And don't corner it, either, because the male has poisonous spurs on his back feet, and one scratch means half a day out with the undertaker - really!
Almost everything else (including snakes, spiders, Crocs (obviously) Sharks ( the Bull Sharks in Sidney Harbour are described as 'grumpy'), and most of the sheep, will kill you without a word.
Oh, and they have this group of people with limited intelligence ( they struggle with long words like 'the', 'and', and 'but'), who live on estates, claim benefits, steal things, and wear Burberry baseball caps. They call them 'Bogans', and they may be ringing some bells with some of you already.
So.................Welcome to 'Stralia - no wonder it was a penal colony - but thank God for Australians, a breath of fresh air in a ridiculous world
No comments:
Post a Comment